


For you I’d bleed myself dry

by iileftherbehind



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Love Confessions, Mercy Killing, Sad Ending, it’s a very sad and emotional scene, post 6x10, some Lexie & Mark style (that was sad as fuck), tw/ blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22965910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iileftherbehind/pseuds/iileftherbehind
Summary: «He was the one bleeding, but She was the one dying.»
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	For you I’d bleed myself dry

**Author's Note:**

> title is from a poem by fireandsteelofangels on tumblr.
> 
> so like, this is all Maria’s fault (whose tweet totally inspired this fic so huge thanks to her), who made me think about this and so i ended up writing it even if i’m not a fan of major character death fics at ALL. But the concept just hurt too good so here it is a very, very, very painful, and emotional fic.  
> DISCLAIMER: i would NOT want the series to end like this. this is not something i hope happens or anything, i just loved the concept of writing such a tragic scene. would love jason not to follow this, thank you very much 
> 
> (if you need to be spoiled the death to know if you can read it, read the notes at the end where i’ll spoil it!)
> 
> (song at the beginning is Saturn, by Sleeping At Last — my advice is to listen to it while reading ‘cause 1st. i did it to set the mood for writing it and 2nd. it’s perfect for this fic)

**you taught me the courage of stars before you left**

**how light carries on endlessly, even after death**

**with shortness of breath, you explained the infinite**

**how rare and beautiful it is to even exist**

**I couldn't help but ask**

**for you to say it all again**

**I tried to write it down,**

**but I could never find a pen**

**I'd give anything to hear**

**you say it one more time**

**that the universe was made**

**just to be seen by my eyes**.

*

As much as Clarke knew, they had been walking for hours.

It was probably day. But it could've been night, too, since the blindfold she was forced to wear did not let any ray of sun get through it. Her hands were tied tighly, her eyes covered, and she was forced to walk, pulled by the men leading the way by a rope. Her feet hurt, she did not know where they were bringing them, nor if they would have been able to escape this time.

There were four men as much as she had been able to count before they'd put the fold on. There were four: two leading the way and holding the knives, one pulling her... and one pulling Bellamy.

She had only seen him looking at her with a look that almost yelled 'I'm sorry.' before the man covered his eyes too, and she would've wanted to look him in the eyes and reassure him. 'It's not your fault, Bellamy'. Because it wasn't. She felt her throat burning at the urge of those non pronounced words...her hands shaking from fear of the unkown, no matter how used she was to this tiring routine. She'd had given one last look at Bellamy, and then it was dark. Dark again.

After bringing her back to life, Bellamy had let her rest for maybe even too long for her likings. " _We need to get back to Sanctum._ " she'd told him. " _We need to go back and save our friends._ "

" _We'll_." Bellamy'd told her with a soft whisper. " _We'll, after you'll rest. You need to rest, Clarke._ " And Clarke had seen him smiling weakly at her before falling in Morpheus' arms, darkness obscuring her eyes and mind. Just the opposite of what she had seen when he brought her back to life; one second it was dark and the other, while slowly blinking her eyes open, Bellamy's face was above hers and his eyes looked at her like he had just seen a ghost. But relief had been exhaled against her skin as she hugged him tightly, not sure of ever wanting to let him go.

They were just some kilometres away from Gabriel's shack when the children of Gabriel found them; she was fast, but not fast enough when one of the men grabbed her arm and Bellamy had tried to walk toward her but another man came out of nowhere and hit him behind his back. She'd heard Bellamy yelling a muffled and suffered 'Run!' to Octavia and Gabriel, and Clarke was glad they did it, and in time. The only reason Gabriel ran was because he said they needed to protect Octavia from the children of Gabriel, because she was somewhat special and who knows what those fanatics could have done with what Octavia may had represented. A 'treasure' Gab had said, she recalls. He'd told them he would have come back for them but truth was that Clarke was skeptical wether he would've been able to find them in time. Find them alive.

And that was okay to her. She had surrendered to life already so many times to let her friends live... she had just wished Bellamy had been able to run in time with them too. If someone had to die that day, she would've wanted her to be the only one and, oh if she so did not think she was able to watch him die that day. The day after he'd risked his life, their friends, a potential peace and gone and literally _anything_ he had, to save her.

To bring her back to life. She hadn't even had the time to talk to him after that. To thank him for not giving up, to thank him for not giving up on her when she had given up on herself already.

The noise of their feet walking through the green vegetation of Sanctum was ticketing in Clarke's ears, their breathings getting heavier every step the only thing hearable in the nearest surroundings apart from some sudden but rare words the men that were keeping them prisoners exchanged.

Finally, after several hours of walking in silence, they felt them stop. She heard a man saying something to someone else - she could not hear it, but she wasn't even sure it was english - and right when she could feel she would've probably not bore another step, they made her kneel down. From the sound Bellamy's knees made when they touched the ground she was pretty sure they made him kneel down as well.

And then, then she heard his voice.

"She's not Josephine. God, you all, you're wrong. She is not Josephine, not anymore."

She had told them so already, obviously, and so did he, but they didn't listen to them. Clarke did not know why now they would, but she supposed it was more the fatigue and desperation talking.

"Jesus Christ" he sweared when no one answered. "She is not Josephine. You have the wrong person! She is not her!"

"If she is not, then where is Josephine?" A female voice answered them, and Bellamy swallowed, shaken by the quick but unexpected response.

"Dead." he spat out.

"Mh..." the voice got closer to Bellamy, and Clarke moved her head around, desperately trying to catch anything, literally anything.A sound, a familiar name or word from some of the guards, a noise. Someone she could use for leverage. But all she could hear was the wearying sound of the person's steps getting closer to Bellamy.

"He's saying the truth." she ended up saying, as a confused and upset cry for help. She would not let that unkown figure get closer to Bellamy, fear of what could happen eating her from the inside. "My name is Clarke. Clarke- Clarke Griffin." she said, her voice slightly trembling.

"Clarke Griffin, you said?" the same cold voice pronounced her name slowly, spelling every sillable of it in such an unsettlingly slow way it gave her chills all around her body.

"Y-yes. You want me anyway. Or.. Josie, right?Let Bellamy go." she nodded. "Let him go, and I'll give you whatever you want, I'll tell you everything I know, but please-"

"Clarke, this is not the time to play the hero." Bellamy bursted out from across from her - or she supposed, since she was still blinded by the fabric tickling her eyelids.

"Shut up, Bellamy. Please, listen to me, I'm serious! He doesn't know anything!"

"If he doesn't know anything, then we don't need him." the female voice teased.

Realization hit Clarke as soon as these words were pronounced and she swallowed thickly, shaking the fear away. It wouldn't have helped her in that moment.

"Look-" Bellamy's voice sounded still from the outside, but for her - for someone who knew him probably better than she knew herself - he sounded scared, she'd dare. "We can work something out. We can- arrange a meeting with Russel, let's talk it out, okay? But we don't have t-" he did not finish his sentence, instead, he groaned heavily at what had sounded for Clarke like a kick.

"Leave him alone! Please!" she shouted, but her words got lost in the vastness of the cave they were in, as pain made Clarke's heart miss a beat when she heard another kick. "Stop!" she screamed in vain "He's innocent, please, take- take me!"

"Clarke-" Bellamy gasped. "Stay out of th-" he groaned again and she heard the noise of a body falling to the ground. His breathing trembled for a second and when she did not hear him groaning anymore, her mind went dark. She gasped for air once, twice, and all followed by a third inhale and when he finally coughed she exhaled. Heavily.

She almost felt grateful she was hearing him coughing, like she could not hear he was clearly gasping for air himself now. And what she hated even more was that she could not see anything.

"Hey. Hey! Someone! Here! Okay, okay! I'm Josephine! It's Josephine, okay? Please!" she begged, desperation clear in her voice, not careful to appear strong anymore. His groans of pain had been enough for her. "Take me. Kill me. Leave him alone. You can still kill me, and destroy the mind-drive if that's what you want, whatever you want, but-"

"Clarke" he growled quietly. "Do not-"

"Bellamy, for god's sake, shut up!"

Silence. What she heard shortly later was only silence. She moved her head frantically, left and right, her mouth trying to catch some air and her eyes trying to catch even the slightest move.

"Bellamy?" she asked with shortness of breath.

"Interesting." the voice teased, and from the way it was louder now, Clarke could feel she was probably getting closer to her. "That's not Josephine..."

It took all Clarke's strength to sound still, to not let her voice shake, to not show any sign of vulnerability. "No, it's not." she finally admitted, her voice cracking just at the end.

No one talked for a few seconds, and it seemed like it was too long for Clarke until the voice spoke again, confidence in it.

"Leave them tied." she just said, and then all Clarke heard were footsteps luckily and hopefully walking away. Further from them.

She did not know where they were, she did not know who that voice was, nor if the guards were still then watching them, nor if she would've survived that day. But what was worse for her, she did not know how Bellamy was.

She tried to call him, once. And then twice. And as he didn't answer her breathing got louder and her voice more desperate. "Bellamy!" she finally begged. "Are you still here?"

It seemed like time did not pass.

But then, then it passed too quickly.

And then... it stopped. Time stopped. Time stopped as her ears finally did catch a damn noise but it wasn't the one she was expecting nor hoping in. Bellamy got up, that she figured it out, and he somehow had been able to get rid of the handcuffs that kept his hands tied.

"B-bellamy?" she quietly asked, fearing the worse.

A familiar mouth breathed against her face and she almost felt like fainting when he answered. "Yes. It's me, Clarke." he quickly freed her hands. "We need to go. We need to go now. C'mon, c'mon get u-" but he didn't finish his sentence.

She heard a groan, a heavy and loud one, heard Bellamy growling in pain like he had never done - or at least she had never heard him doing - and though the fold was still keeping her eyes shut she somehow widened them and furrows her eyebrows together.

"Bellamy? B-Bellamy?” she muttered, her heart clenching, and fear settling in her voice. “Bellamy!” she finally yelled, desperation taking fear’s place.

Clarke swallowed and soon realized her hands were finally free. So she quickly removed her blind fold off her eyes and what hit her right away was the light coming from the entrance of the cave.

What she saw next, was pure horror.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

So much blood it made her stomach sink. Though, what made her sick wasn’t the vision of the blood itself, rather than the person who it came from.

Bellamy was laying down in front of her, blood coming out of his stomach where he was holding his skin with his hands.

Gasping, groaning, shaking.

Clarke’s eyes widened at the horror of that view. Her heart thrummed hard in her chest once and she barely parted her lips. Talking was out of question as realization slowly made its away in her mind and her whole body felt the pain she - she was sure - she would have not been able to face.

Not him.

Not him.

“B-Bellamy.” her voice was trembling, so as her hands, and he lifted his head, fear in his eyes like she had never seen it.

“Clarke.” he mumbled, before swallowing down the blood that was already starting to flow out of his mouth.

“No.” she crawled to him. “No.” she repeated, kneeling down next to him and moving her hands in different directions. “No.” begging and praying whatever whatever God that never heard her to spare him and not bring him away from her. “ _Not him_.” her mind silently begged, and her heart cried, “ _Not him, please_.”

She teared her shirt apart and took his hands away to limit the flow of blood but the way he groaned as soon as she placed her hands on his stomach made her chest curl inward with itself

“Sh- sssh. Please- please, Bellamy” she caressed his cheek with her free hand and looked down at him. “Bellamy, I’m gonna help you.” she nodded frantically. “I’m- I’m gonna stop the bleeding, o-okay?” no matter how much she tried, her voice could not stop shaking.

He growled longingly and pressed his lips together, looking up at her face and barely nodding slightly to let her understand he himself understood. But he didn’t. It seemed it didn’t, as he mumbled. “Clarke.”

She looked at him with widened eyes and shook her head.

“I-” talking was painful, that she could see. He licked his lips slowly. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” It almost looked like he needed to comfort her.

_He was the one bleeding, but she was the one dying._

“Look- Clarke- I- I cant-” he swallows thickly and from the way he squeezed his eyes she could see even that caused him an enormous amount of pain.

He tapped around with his hand, slowly yet quickly, searching for something.

She could see he was bleeding a lot, but at the same time it wasn’t that much. She knew that wound, however the knife had been stabbed into him, was just causing a big unbearable pain and she did not - could not - bare it herself.

He stretched his hand enough to grab the knife, and when he looked straight into her eyes and made a move to hand it to Clarke, she froze.

She did know what he wanted, she didn’t need him to tell her but it was so not happening.

It wasn’t the way they would’ve ended that day.

Only some hour before, he saved her.

Now, she was losing him.

He had been the one to have faith in her when she was gone. Dead for the most. So now, now it was her turn to believe in him. Believe that he would’ve survived. Believe he would have so not died that day, under her eyes, in her arms.

“No.” Clarke said through gritted teeth. Then, she softly pushed his cheek to her to force him to look at her and shook her head. “You‘re not dying today. Not here.” she pulled the tears back, sniffing. “Not in my arms, Bellamy.”

Bellamy frowned and parted his lips, gasping for air so loud her own air almost got pulled out of her lungs. “Please.” he begged, quietly. A call for help so painful it made her give up, and let tears stream down her face.

“Bellamy-”

“I’m- d-dying. Aren’t- aren’t I?”

She didn’t answer. He looked into her eyes and she saw him for who he was. He was scared, she saw it. Felt it. And only then she noticed he was squeezing her hand, his nails digging in her skin.

“Hey...” she whispered, crying. “Bellamy...” she sobbed, and looked up at the ceiling of the cave. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she let herself be vulnerable. She let herself be fragile. She cried, and he followed.

“Clarke.” he said, voice shaking by the tears. “Don’t- don’t be- sad.” then, with a suffocated whisper. “I love you, Clarke.”

She slowly looked down at him with teary eyes, frozen on the spot as her shaking breathing filled the cave with painful noises.

“I love you.” she finally said.

Bellamy’s face lit up, regardless of the pain. “You don’t- don’t have to- say i-it, just- just because I’m-”

“I love you, Bellamy” she nodded, and cupped his face in her hands, sweeping her eyes over his pretty face marked by the pain expressions. “I’ve always loved you. I always will. I love you, okay? I-” she bursted out in a painful cry beforegoing on.

Bellamy nodded at that, keeping himself as much as he could. But he cried with her. “You- you are- incredible... always- been.”

Clarke cried harder.

“Don’t let- let this- w-word tell you- otherwise, mh?” he sobbed, his breathing getting slower and choked every second more. “Don’t let it- it ruin- you.”

“Bellamy, please.”she sobbed.

“God.” he smiled with tears in his eyes, and on his cheeks, and on her shirt. “I’ve- waited... my whole-” he started coughing. “Life. To hear you- you say that.”

“You brought me back to life.”

“And I’d do that- again- and again.. and again-”

“You breathed your air in my- my lungs.”

He was delirious.

With the strength he had left, he slowly cupped her face in his dirty, bloody, shaking hands.

“M-meeting you... it was- the- best thing ever- happened t-to me.”

“I love you so much” she sobbed.

“I love you so much, too.”

“I can’t- do this- without you, Bellamy.” she cried harder and harder.

“Yes, you can.”

“It’s not- not worthy- without you.”

He caressed her cheeks with his thumbs, and she leaned her forehead against his. Clarke let the silence between them fill the void she started feeling inside of her for a few seconds, but her sobs soon came back filling the dark cave’s space. Then she moved her lips on his forehead, slowly placing the most heartfelt and painful kiss, and when she felt him gasping for air in pain, she covered her mouth to keep her sobs to herself.

Seeing him like that.

It was another level of pain.

Her heart clenched when she first took the knife from his hands, and then, she whispered sweet nonsense against Bellamy’s ear as she pushed the knife deeper into his wound, knowing where to touch to make him stop crying. Hurting.

To make it all stop.

Her whisper against his ear made him gasp, even though that was just a better way for Clarke to explain the way his chest dramatically lifted up for air. She could’ve sworn he hummed a quiet and soft “Thanks.”, but it could have been a groan, too.

If someone had asked her to do this, she would’ve killed herself. She would kill herself for Bellamy a thousand times. Over and over. She would let anyone torture her, use her, hurt her, however whenever and wherever they would like to. But Bellamy asking her to end his sufferings... she could not bare this. She could not bare his pain... not this one.

Not like this. 

He exhaled slowly against her skin and Clarke pushed her hand further against her face to keep it quiet.“Shh.” her breathing itched, and she pressed her lips together not let him go with only a quiet, suffered cry.

He whispered. “May we meet again.” and that made her sob harder. 

“No...” she mumbled against his skin.

Four painful words she’d heart too many, too many times in her life.

She turned around to look in his face and shook her head, biting her bottom lip now all wet from tears. “I love you... I love you, so much. It’s gonna be- over, in a while, okay? I love you, Bellamy. I love you so much. Okay? Do you- do you know that?”

He smiled weakly, and his eyes started blinking slower. An exhale, very quiet, but enough for her to hear it.

“Now... now I do know that.” he smiled weakly and that made Clarke smile through her tears. 

He lifted an hand and placed it on her cheek, trying to wipe a tear away and she turned her face to it, kissing it softly.

When he closed his eyes, when his heart stopped beating and his hand slowly fell down, she felt like dying, too. 

A part of her, _did_.

She bursted into a desperate cry, “No” she hummed through tears rolling down her cheeks and his head still being held by her hand. “No...” she sobbed, burying her face in his neck. 

The cave was filled with Clarke cry. She prayed, oh she prayed so loud, that if there’s another universe, another life, to meet him again and to be given the chance to love him.

The man she loved in her arms, gasping his last painful breathes. She sobbed, and screamed, and her heart cried with her and in that moment the whole world stopped, and cried with her. Bellamy’s heart cried with her, too, right before stopping.

Nothing ever felt like that.

The echo of her cry made everything stop, as the horror of his death consumed Clarke’s heart.

If they only could’ve had more time. If they only could’ve had some more to spent together, some more time to share, some more time to love each other. 

  
Clarke’s eyes closed and she didn’t open them for a long time. And even after she did, her heart stayed closed.   
  


It beated, still. Mechanically.

But it wasn’t the same, not anymore.

  
* 

_Remember me when I am gone away,  
Gone far away into the silent land;  
When you can no more hold me by the hand,  
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.  
  
\- Christina Rossetti_

**Author's Note:**

> (Bellamy dies.)  
> * 
> 
> Writing this was really painful but worth it.  
> Comments & opinions about this are always appreciated especially because i don’t know how to feel about this one, so please let me know!


End file.
